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Me vs. A Pissed Raccoon
Written by Toy   
August 02, 2012
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Raccoon Shade

original photo by Nora Arias Loftis


It's 1:14am and I'm sweating like a pig in a turtleneck. Damn near had to fight a 40-lb raccoon on the way home just now. :-| Anyone who lives near Central Park knows I ain't lying, exaggerating or embellishing.... They're often out at night raping, pillaging & scavenging the streets alongside their trifling NYC rat friends, but this one... He looked like he was having a rough night, sitting there in the middle of the sidewalk, and he didn't wanna move. And me? Well, I'd DAMN SURE had a hard night, too. My barely worn-in stilettos were still pinching. AND, there was only 1 short block separating me from my bed, so I wasn't moving EITHER.. lol! (Plus, I paid my taxes today, so I was feeling quite entitled.) So we had a stare-down (me in the crouching tiger hidden haul-azz position)... and he humped up his back like a cat and


made a hissing sound... But then we just kinda exchanged a *side-eye*, checked out each other's outfits, and just went on

about our nights. :-|

 

Pretty sane ending, right? Hell, I am NOT partaking in any Wild Kingdom foolery just for the sake of an interesting blog. Ok, and next time (if there is one, God forbid), I will attempt to snap a real pic before fleeing and leaving a pee trail... With the exception of a few more razor-sharp teeth and some rabid spit, this one is pretty close to the real thing, though.


Oh-- and whomever was responsible for planting this raccoon in my path for the sake of your hidden camera comedy footage this week-- Good Job. YOU WIN. I give up. And I hope you got your hilarious footage.

Goodnight.


Signed,


I Should've Worn Depends Foot in mouth


 

Originally posted on Facebook.com/toyholmes

 

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