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Bloody Mary FAIL!
Written by Toy   
June 25, 2012
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Bloody Mary FAIL

(After stalking watching me from behind a bush planted on the bar, a flirty, wild-eyed, scruffy blonde waiter suddenly pounces upon his prey my table, unapologetically interrupting a peaceful solo brunch with bottomless mimosas)...

Waiter: [speaking in THICK Russian accent] Ohhhh.. you are almost done with mimosa. You would uhh... like another one?

Me: OH. Ummm...ok yeah... sure. I'll have another one.

Waiter: Or how would you like to try my Bloody Mary......

Me: Oh...No thanks. I don't think I like tomato jui--

Waiter: Great, I MAKE one for you.. I be right back. (*hauls azz behind the bar, begins mixing frantically*)

Me: (-_-) ...

Waiter: (*returns with 40-oz glass of a viscous concoction containing rotten celery stalks, thick tomato juice, and rotten limes, with buzzards flying around it*)

Me: o_o  *loses appetite immediately, dry heaves*

Waiter: Wait. Let me tell you why you do not like Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary is not right in America. In Russia, Bloody Mary is for single man like me who have no wife, no girlfriend... When I lust for woman, I go to bar and order Bloody Mary, and I get...... No ...  I TAKE MY WOMAN.

Me: o_0.....................

 

 

Waiter: In Russia, we put VERY strong vodka on bottom..then we layer very fresh tomato on the top.. then we put tiny straw in bottom of BLOODY MARY... And we SIP from bottom [*sipping/slurp*] and we DRINK our woman .........then we sip second layer [*harder sipping/ slurp*]... and WE TASTE HER BLOOD.......................... [*disturbing AaAAhhhh sound, wild cock-eyed look, eyes roll back, neck vein bulging*]

Me: O_O Me: *afraid to move*

Me: *looks for escape, seriously contemplates a Cowardly Lion jump through glass window a la The Wizard of Oz.. pees a little*

Me: *prays for divine intervention*

Waiter: [*hears boss call*]

OH, I must go now to other table. Please come back and call me if you would like instruction on how to make Bloody Mary at home.

Me: *Pays check, snaps this pic, pops a wheelie and leaves a smoke trail on the way out the door, running like hell, forever traumatized by the sight and/or the words "Bloody Mary"*

 

FILE UNDER: WTF, WTH, ICMTSU (I Can't Make This Stuff Up)

 

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